Now ladies and Gentlemen,
The next story is a very tramatic event to have ever happened in my lifetime (slight over exaggeration) which I find difficult to type (sniffs and weeps).
Mike and I thought it would be to pop into a massage parlour and treat ourselves to an all over body massage for an hour- at a bargain price. It was a spontaneous choice of parlour that we spotted down a back alley, a little dodgy perhaps but that is India all over- lots of hidden gems down back alleys.
I went in, and the thought suddenly occured to me, s**t.....I haven't done my legs or armpits.......no matter, I only did them the other day so it won't be too bad and I am sure they have seen worse. I calm down a little. Then they asked me to strip to my lower underwear....now, for those of you who haven't had a massage before, this is the norm, so no panicking as of yet, however.......It is customery for the ladies to leave the room and only re-enter once you are lead down on the bed with a towel covering your middle section......my new thought were now 's**t.....they aren't leaving the room and want me to strip in front of them....and my underwear just so happens to be like a bit of cheesewire today and doesn't leave much to the imagination'. I then start to calm down and start to strip just chanting to myself that so many medical people have seen my in the nude that it doesn't matter (have you ever lied to yourself repeatedly to block something out until you actually believe it?- this is one of those moments) and I also tell myself this must be the norm. Then I go to lie on my front to cover up my upper private section but they insisted for me to turn round...I am still ok- telling mself it is just like Radiotherapy again (although they let me keep my pants on). Then they start- not only is it excruciatingly painful.....they pay far too much attention to my upper private section. Yes ladies and gentlemen...they started to give them a full on massage and as I said no....they said yes. Thn they turn me over and I thank god that they have got the touching of the white breast meat out of the way! Things could only get better....so they say. Next they moved onto my legs, and I feel some tugging at my thong... I was terrified what was to come and are they going to attempt to give me a female version of the 'happy ending' massage seen as though by the end of this scary thought they had my thong down and were now oiling up my bottom and kept nudging against my crotch!!! I was about to get p and leave but they calmed down in that area. Then it goes normal (although a little painful) for a while. Until I start to smell burning. Awwww shit...they were going to cook this little piggy!!!! Too scared to open my eyes and source where this smell was coming from...I think ignorance is bliss- or I am having a stroke from all the trauma. Then I hear sizzling- imagine bacon going into a hot oily frying pan.....a lot lik that. Oh dear lord I really am going to be sacraficed. I was wrong on this point...they were burning herbs wrapped up in cloth in hot oil......to dab all over my body and rub in the firey hell. Of course, they didn't leave out the burning of the bottom or boobs. Lucky me. Eventually, this 'massage' terminated, leaving me unsure as to what to do- whether this was their form of a treat and to tip them or whether to call the British Embassy and report them for sexual harrassment. Thankfully Mike was out before me and had already paid so I could just get out of there as fast I can, but not before the ladies made me stand up (they let me pull my delicates up) and just as I was racing to put my clothes on, they took them off me and started rubbing me down all over with a towel to get the oil off- I protested and said I can do it.....but no.....they had to do it.
We have now left Udaipur, visiting the Monsoon Palace before we went. We travelled to Khumbalgarh and checked out the fort which was out of this world- even if it did take about 35/40 mins to climb up it in the blistering heat..then moved to Ranakpur and spent the night with about 1000 beatles and a couple of liazzards in our room (one beatle even crawled out of Mike's food), chcked out the famous Jain Temple there and moved onto Jodhpur today.
The next story is a very tramatic event to have ever happened in my lifetime (slight over exaggeration) which I find difficult to type (sniffs and weeps).
Mike and I thought it would be to pop into a massage parlour and treat ourselves to an all over body massage for an hour- at a bargain price. It was a spontaneous choice of parlour that we spotted down a back alley, a little dodgy perhaps but that is India all over- lots of hidden gems down back alleys.
I went in, and the thought suddenly occured to me, s**t.....I haven't done my legs or armpits.......no matter, I only did them the other day so it won't be too bad and I am sure they have seen worse. I calm down a little. Then they asked me to strip to my lower underwear....now, for those of you who haven't had a massage before, this is the norm, so no panicking as of yet, however.......It is customery for the ladies to leave the room and only re-enter once you are lead down on the bed with a towel covering your middle section......my new thought were now 's**t.....they aren't leaving the room and want me to strip in front of them....and my underwear just so happens to be like a bit of cheesewire today and doesn't leave much to the imagination'. I then start to calm down and start to strip just chanting to myself that so many medical people have seen my in the nude that it doesn't matter (have you ever lied to yourself repeatedly to block something out until you actually believe it?- this is one of those moments) and I also tell myself this must be the norm. Then I go to lie on my front to cover up my upper private section but they insisted for me to turn round...I am still ok- telling mself it is just like Radiotherapy again (although they let me keep my pants on). Then they start- not only is it excruciatingly painful.....they pay far too much attention to my upper private section. Yes ladies and gentlemen...they started to give them a full on massage and as I said no....they said yes. Thn they turn me over and I thank god that they have got the touching of the white breast meat out of the way! Things could only get better....so they say. Next they moved onto my legs, and I feel some tugging at my thong... I was terrified what was to come and are they going to attempt to give me a female version of the 'happy ending' massage seen as though by the end of this scary thought they had my thong down and were now oiling up my bottom and kept nudging against my crotch!!! I was about to get p and leave but they calmed down in that area. Then it goes normal (although a little painful) for a while. Until I start to smell burning. Awwww shit...they were going to cook this little piggy!!!! Too scared to open my eyes and source where this smell was coming from...I think ignorance is bliss- or I am having a stroke from all the trauma. Then I hear sizzling- imagine bacon going into a hot oily frying pan.....a lot lik that. Oh dear lord I really am going to be sacraficed. I was wrong on this point...they were burning herbs wrapped up in cloth in hot oil......to dab all over my body and rub in the firey hell. Of course, they didn't leave out the burning of the bottom or boobs. Lucky me. Eventually, this 'massage' terminated, leaving me unsure as to what to do- whether this was their form of a treat and to tip them or whether to call the British Embassy and report them for sexual harrassment. Thankfully Mike was out before me and had already paid so I could just get out of there as fast I can, but not before the ladies made me stand up (they let me pull my delicates up) and just as I was racing to put my clothes on, they took them off me and started rubbing me down all over with a towel to get the oil off- I protested and said I can do it.....but no.....they had to do it.
We have now left Udaipur, visiting the Monsoon Palace before we went. We travelled to Khumbalgarh and checked out the fort which was out of this world- even if it did take about 35/40 mins to climb up it in the blistering heat..then moved to Ranakpur and spent the night with about 1000 beatles and a couple of liazzards in our room (one beatle even crawled out of Mike's food), chcked out the famous Jain Temple there and moved onto Jodhpur today.
Bet mike didn't complain about his part of the experience ;)
ReplyDeleteHope Mike was able to contain himself in the massage parlour after his unfortunate bowel irrigations xxxxxx love mum
ReplyDelete